A new road...

I woke up this morning with this overwhelming sense of comfort, today was going to be a good day, because tomorrow is going to be even better. In my years of being a mother, a (past) wife, a sister, a daughter, a friend, I have lost the part of just being me...and I think I'm finally starting to find her...and you know what I've realized...I like her. I really like her, She can be fun. And she is smart, and caring, and she loves her children, and she's beginning to like the quiet moments more and more, they are not too hard to handle. I think discovering me, is going to be better then I thought. I have been single now for almost 6 weeks. Completely by myself with out him around for 4, but really we were headed out the first weeks in September, it just took us that long to get there... I loved him with everything I had, everything I could love him with for a whole year, and it wasn't enough...it wasn't enough for him to love me back with everything he had...and I can't settle for that any longer...my life is too important to me to not let that take importance in it. So in the beginning, I was thinking...I'm in search again...I have to find him...where is he???? But now I'm beginning to realize...I don't need to find him. HE NEEDS TO FIND ME!!! So I've quit looking. I'm not looking any longer. Staci is going to be Staci with out the stereotype of always LOOKING, and choosing the wrong ones. I am going to let it happen, not because I forced it, or because I was in search of it, or because I pushed it, Its going to happen because it is meant to happen, not because my lifes not complete with out it, but because it's not complete without me. And I'm sure one of these days when i least expect to see his face, He will find me....what a luck man he will be, because damn if I haven't realized in the last few months, I am a good catch! And you know the ones who are usually trying to catch the good ones, usually know how to take care of them too...
So with Gods grace, my patience; that I'm now finding, and the love of my children-my life is moving on. A learning experience, a love that wasn't wasted, and a journey that doesn't end here...

I got a letter today, not from my letter project, but from a friend....and in the letter in the end it said...

"There are bird tracks, and nothing in the sky,
Bird tracks between you and I."

echange of words..

Well it has been a while since I have spoken with Chris...and I wondered...then I got an email from him yesterday, a message on my facebook...!!! I was so excited to hear from him. He is doing better...better and has some hope...a wave of relief came over me when I realized that he was not hurt...a few days ago I scanned the internet for any inclination of anything that would let me know, and I could come up with nothing-now i know why. There was nothing to come up with. But he has hope, more hope then I expected from him. I'm not saying this is from me...but I'm so thankful...that God listened to my prayers and his prayers, and gave him the strength that he needed. I love being a messenger for him, and helping where it is needed. I'll continue to keep you updated, but I now get the knowledge of checking in on him...as much as I need!

lost with words...

I do not feel able to articulate myself at the moment, today has been a bad day for reasons i shall not burden you with. Some of what you have said has made me feel insignificant in that allthough you hold my soul as the part of me to pray for i feel yes i will free my soul from this weak minded body but it is the weak minded body that is feeling the lonley and guilt paved road its taking. My soul should burn in hell for what i am contemplating. I am strugling to make any sense at the moment. They removed your e-mail address. I perhaps might take comfort from talking some more, i just dont really know. I am deeply confused with the direction i should take and it disturbs me daily when i am screaming inside to be seen, to be heard but i stand silent allmost crying on the inside to hide the shame i feel. I want to talk, i want the comfort of friendship that seems to have deserted me, is it me pushing all these things away?, i am a simple person why am i suffering this turmoil. I have said i have skeletons in my closet, is this perhaps my kama. It is perhaps strange but it is the quiet moments that are the worst, for those are the times that the reality takes over and the full horror of the situation i am facing takes hold. I am not scared, i feel very peacefull with my thoughts about stepping off this plane of existance. As for method, i will not make any public statement to cause further distress to my family. Quietly and peacefully in a place where i know there is love for me. You may think i am a freak or lowlife idiot. I am not either i am just a normal guy with a family who has lost the will to struggle on, its that simple. All the fight has been beaten out of me and i just cant pick up any energy from anywhere. Simple solution to my problem, but thats the stuff of fairytales or as normal it is the people who deserve and need it least that come out on top time and time again. Aint life grand.
chris

My Response:


Of course they would remove my email! It seems so silly of me to think they would not. I wonder if their system would remove it if it was typed out in a different way. stacigodsey at yahoo dot com. He he, lets try that one. So your day has been difficult. Why would you feel the need to not burden me with that. You are no burden to me, you might be wondering why I care to talk to you. It may not seem practical to you, but its who I am. Let me explain…how did my path cross with yours, someone so far away from me, living in a different world. I was not looking for you, I was not looking to “help” if you want to call it that. I was searching ideas for selling stuff for my new business,and I ran across that idiotic blurb of what this man thought was the end of his world…and I was intrigued, I was astonished at how one world can be so different and people can hold different values at such a high, yet similar level. Then I read your post, and I can relate to you, and I thought maybe we are not as far from values as I though we were. Two worlds so far apart, struggling with the same life matters, although I’m not at a point where I want to end my life, I have been in moments where nothing seemed to matter enough to stay where I was…but I didn’t run, somewhere along the lines I found the courage to work it out. I have always believed that people come in and out of our lives for reasons, many reasons that we don’t know or understand, and that everything happens for a reason, you and I somehow our paths have crossed. Why, I can not answer that, am I curious, very. Is this why I continue to talk to you, partly-but again like I said thats who I am. I look for answers in things, and try to understand them. I believe there is a reason for everything, and whether you believe this or not, right now, you are a part of something, and I’m glad to have found you. I will never think of you as a low life, my respect for you was high the moment I read your letter. You to me are amazing, for the simple fact that you are trying so hard to be strong for your family, and yet your hurting so bad inside, and walking this alone for fear of letting anyone down. You are not selfish, you have a heart that is hurting and alone. Maybe you feel like you can talk to me because you do not know me, you have not met me, in your words alone over the last few day I can tell you I know more about you then you think, and I am right, you are a wonderful man who deserves to be happy with his life, and I would love to be your friend, and I will not let you push me away, no matter how hard you try :)
I want to share this with you, its about 5 years old, when I wrote it I was in so much pain, you will probably understand that, I feel that between our letters you and I can understand so much more then what is written. My outlook on things are a little different now, but maybe it will give you a sense that I too have felt the pain of being alone, and I know the hurt that is associated with that.

She walks the halls of broken dreams
In reality things are never what they seem
In the real world, people don’t stay together,
In the real world we don’t always have sunny weather.

In reality there is no happy ever after
There is no family full of love and laughter
There is no wishing on falling stars
Or driving really expensive cars

In the real world there is no one there
Not a single soul who really cares
No one there to put the food in your cart
No on there to feed your heart

In this world so harsh and cruel
we become each others fuel.
We learn to live off of pain and sorrow,
And what ever will get us through till tomorrow.

In life you learn to make it on your own
The holes are easily left unsown
There is nobody there to ease your pain
There is nobody there to take the strain

The dishes never really get clean
and no one is there to hear your screams
There is no one there for you to cry on their shoulder
And there is no on there who will lift the boulder.

In the real world dreams really do slip away
And prince charming usually decides not to stay
And the life you thought you’d like to live
Is not the life he chose to give.

In this reality there is no pot of gold,
And no one there for you to hold,
In reality things are never what they seem
Just a hall of faded and broken dreams.

Ps. I hope your day presents you with at least a smile of something to sleep on tonight.

More response from a heart that is hurting..

So far but at the same time standing right next to one another. Please pray for a cause that can bring you satisfaction, not for me as i will only dissapoint. I have been going through my story, its been a journey but every tale has an end. Some straight forward some not so. I have no reason to feel like a coward but will understand if it seems that way. When darkness is suffocating, enveloping making it seem that your looking at life from a tunnel then nothing seems to make sense. I am more than aware what i am about to do will have a devastating effect on the people close to me but feel comforted in the knowledge that there are people who will come together in a way that would never be possible otherwise. I have no fear within myself and feel a sad comfort in the knowledge my story will soon be just that. Rememberd in tales of good times to those who hold such thoughts dear, may even give more of a comfort to them than i can in life. I am tired of my life and know there is no chance of relief. I feel so emotionaly drained, but have become an expert at diverting the focus of my darkness from others. I am living a lie, going through the motions when i can see that the train is about to come off the rails. I appologise to you, i mean that more than these words can say. I have put my burden in words that you have read, i feel i should not have done that to you. You said you think i was here for for a reason, our paths crossed for a purpose. I feel i have made another mistake. I had no right to trouble you. Please dont worry for me, you never know, i might get a last minuite reprive. No more verse to ponder, i feel my time is coming to check out. Again i feel calm in the knowledge that my journey is coming to an end, i have almost conceeded the fact of even trying to beg for help as i feel the disgusting obscene greed of people blinds them to the plight of others and the caring society is a value no longer valid today. My name is Chris, thank you for your time and thank you for the fact you took the time to even talk to me. One last thing, you may be insulted by this but do you know of any charity where you are that would help a family in another country. It is a strange concept but we are supposed to live in hope.

My Response:
Are you scared? I am scared for you, have you thought about the process, do you know what method your going to use? Have you visualized the days that will follow with your family? By doing this is it going to relieve your wife of the stress of the bills that you have incurred? It not my business, and you have no reason to tell me, but I am curious? In the united states there are many agencies here that help, I will have to do some checking about helping other countries. Kiva-loans that change lives, I belong to that group, check it out and see if its even an option for you, I’m not sure that it is. Don’t apologize to me, there’s not a reason to, I am but just one person who is walking this life with you. You hold no value to me, I’m not going to morn when you die, I’m not going to cry…you my dear are out of my control. Besides,its not your body that I’m praying for, its your soul-which lives on forever, and your family, who will need the prayers before they even know it. One day, but not in this life time we will meet, that I am sure of, and when I reach out to hold your hand, you will know who I am.
Would you share with me what your world is like? What is your wife like, how old is she, how old are you? What kind of hearts do your children have. Is the place that you live in beautiful? Are you by the ocean? I live in the middle of the US. Surrounded by fields of corn, and small trees. Its quiet here, and I love the country-it brings me peace. My children are my life, I live for their laughter, I have a daughter and a son. Nine and four. I don’t mind talking to you, and if you like I would continue to do so until you no longer wish. My emial is --------------, and by now you have probably figured my name is Staci.

And another one comes...

“WORDS” What a powerfull way to communicate, with no malice, no pressure, no pre judgement just thought provoking sentences that can affect a state of mind and take you far from the place of pain, confusion and horror that confronts. I can lose myself in places like that, thank you for that. Its is a crazy thing that my downfall is about money when the important things, family have been slowly eradicated from there rightfull place. I have been quite nomadic in my life and am not materialistic. My family is the only thing worth anything to me but i have reached a selfish point of no return, it seems all i can focus on is the darkness. I have lost faith in everything, i have exhausted my options for help and have tried the roads you mention to no availe. Why cant i get a break from somewhere. You know a crazy thing i heard on the radio today, a football player whos name i forget is paid the same ammount a week as my mortgage. I would have the rest of my working life to look forward to to pay the same ammount back if i were inclined to not follow the path i am thinking of taking. Guilt, i carry like a burden everyday. I look at my youngest son and feel my eyes welling up, what will his future be like if i stay, what if i go.I feel strong and weak at the same time. I know friends who had church friends, christians who answered there prayers when they needed financial help. All i feel is jealousy for both the kind act and there faith and belief. I feel like i am drifting at the moment. Charity is hard to find.

My Response:

I woke up this morning wondering, and as I go to bed tonight- I am a little relieved, we live worlds apart, you are sleeping, and I am thinking of drifting to sleep shortly, believe me you will be on my mind. Guilt is equivalent to grief,it creates a pain that overcomes our whole life, it is all we are consumed with,until we let it take over, and only then when we have reached the darkest moments are we able to lift our head and begin to move forward. You are drifting,yes possibly, but you are also slowly swimming against the current that is taking you away, and tonight as i go to bed, i believe that all I can do for you is pray. Believe me when I say this, tonight while your sleeping, peacefully or not, I will be praying for you and your wife and your kids. And know that in a country many miles from yours there is a person, but a grain of sand in a sand box, who cares deeply enough to spend her night before she sleeps opening her heart up to the lord to ask you to help heal. And if my words are of any comfort to you, then the best that I can do is to keep sharing them…so here again are thought of mine from a previous moment in my life that I will open up and share for you, because I do not deserve to know your pain, and your hurt, yet you are willing to share, so I too will do the same…
And I will hope that tomorrow we will meet again.

A New Life

I sit here thinking of how my life is changing.

Different times,
Different places,
Different memories.
Different faces.

And I wonder, where this new life is going to go,
What direction do I take,
What road will lead me home.
In this dizzy, in this commotion,
Where is the constant

Always changing
Always flowing
Never stopping
Always going.

When does it end, when will I know,
In what moment will it come to me,
That I can do it on my own.

Such Despair
Such Disgrace
Such loneliness
No one here to take my place

So in this life I will continue to go
In this life I will continue to grow
In this life I will continue to live
In this life I will continue to give

I will laugh
I will cry
I will love
I will try

I received another comment from Chris today...

How?, Today is my birthday. I feel drained, stretched to the point of snapping. There was a brief moment earlier i thought i was about to go over the edge, i could feel the panic and turmoil inside surge into my head and i really thought i was going to lose it. Why is the root of my problem about money, i work for a living, claim only the help i am allowed and still am sinking in the human soup pot. I feel i have been a bad role model for my boys and know there has been a price paid for the slow destruction of my home life, i carry this guilt like a lump in my throat. I feel i could easily fall apart if i think about what i feel i have done to my sons lives. Fortunatly they have been hidden from the real position im in but thats about to change as the reality of my life is about to shape there future. Help me how, i am not stupid in the sense that i think talking is going to affect my situation, it will at best relieve the pressure for as long as it takes me to glance at the cresent moon in the sky or for as long as it takes me to cry when everyone else is sleeping. The cold reality soon pokes me in the stomach, brings back the sick feeling of failure and guides my mind to make the hard choice for what i suppose is the selfish need to escape. I in a twisted way am enjoying this chance to let you have a part of me in this mail, it feels comforting to me all though i cant say why.

My Response:

I’m sorry its your birthday, and that your at the point where you want to snap. I truly believe everything happens for a reason, and that there is a reason you are here, and that our life events make us stronger as a person to handle the things we need to take care of. I know your life is bad right now. I have been there, I have struggled to make my family have the best situation possible, and I have robbed peter to pay paul. Let me ask you this, did you raise your children to believe that material things are what matter. Do you want to be there for your sons when they need their dad in their lives, who will teach them to fish, or golf, or baseball, or who will teach them to drive their first car. Who will show them how to be a man? I just thought i would let you take a moment to think of what would happen if you leave your family, and 2 or 3 years down the road your wife is in a situation where she needs you most. What if one of your children is really really sick, who will carry her to keep her strong-when she needs you most. You are not perfect, you are expected to make mistakes but how can your wife be your wife and support you if you wont open up to her and let her know whats going on. There are many place that will help you financially, credit counseling that is non profit, non profit agencies, christian charities. There are always other options. How much do you need? Maybe I can help you.
I just want to leave you with something that I wrote to think about…

YOU

Every night when I’m lying here in bed
I think of memories I want to share with you
And million thoughts run through my head.
You.

You were the first man in my life,
The one I prayed for every night.
And tonight I’m thinking of…
You

And I hope that you’re thinking of me to.
And I want you to know that I do pray for you every single day
For your safety, for your hurt, for your guidance
I pray…

Because I love you,
and it doesn’t matter that we’ve never met,
I love you,
That’s the feelings that I always get,
I love you.
You

You’re the reason why I carry on,
You’re the reason why I lift my head,
When my days and nights seem forever long
You.

You are the reason why I stay so strong
You.

And one of these days when I least expect to see your face,
One of theses days,
God will point me in your way
And finally after searching for many years
all the worry, and all the fear,
Will suddenly just disappear,

Gone,
But not you…
You will always be here by my side,
Holding my hand,
My heart,
Making me feel alive.

It is You…
You were the first man in my heart,
The one I prayed for every night.
While I was laying there in the dark,

random acts of words gone unspoken

I ran across this post the other day about a man who was not happy with his life, he was young and full of hate for people, mainly complaining about how bad his life was because he was not able to be the person he wanted to be because of his parents. And coming out of the closet was too much of a problem, so much of a problem that he would rather kill him self. I was amazed at how much one person's values can create such an emptiness in a person that makes them so mean. My morals and values are at such a different level then his were. And I couldn't possibly think of doing something so horrific when its something that seems so trivial in the first place. Yet maybe it wasn't trivial to him, He is a different person, but his words brought me to what I really wanted to discuss in the first place. Chris. It was his reply to this mans post that struck me in such an obscure way, yet it pulled at my heart strings in so many directions... since then we have been talking back and forth and I will share these with you I'll post one every few days or so...Im not sure if I will even have any form of impact on this mans life, but I'm a fool to not try.

(his response to that mans post)

now ive read your miserable story you should stop feeling sorry for yourself you brainless ponse. try struggling with a family of your own when you have more outgoing than incoming. how do i tell my boys i cant buy them a 20p treat from the shop cause i have no money or buying everything second hand and telling them its allright, no one will know. real life not confused ramblings of someone without the courage to face up to making a simple life choice, ye you have a choice so make it. i owe 147,000 mortgage and going under fast, what shall i tell my partner and sons 14, 11 and 5. pre occupied with fear of nasty people nocking on my door, scared about school bills i cant pay, electric bill i cant pay, no chance of help i feel i have let my family down and i would do them justice if i killed myself. what a way to live what a daily existance i have. i hate life as i made the choices that put my family in this position and i dont think i can go on much longer. i have dark dark secrets in my closet but dont blame how my life is now on them. get over it and move on and be thankfull you are just ******** about feeling **** and really you are not in a real life of **** like me, if you were you would have to face up to the reality that you have the power to shape your destiny not wait for it to mould how you dream it should be. make your choice and have the guts to stick to your choices. for me, better off dead is my option. selfish? maybey but i have exhausted my options so am **** out of luck. have a nice life and allways remember when you feel angry, there are 3 sons somewhere with no dad because life is **** and then you die. my reality, bye.

(my response to his)

chris-i would like to help you, please don’t do anything drastic, your boys would rather be poor and living in a one room home then not have you in your life. And how do you think leaving is going to make this situation better. Let me help you-please.s

And a letter came...

It was late Saturday afternoon when I got the letters out of the Mail box. Decater Alabama. What the heck is this? OMG its the letter! Its the letter!
My boyfriend Carl says, "What is that? I think I've drove there before."
I have not told him about my project. It's kinda a secret. I mean its not really, but I guess I don't want him to think I'm silly, wasting my time. I should tell him, besides its not him that I'm used to the smart ass remarks from, It was my previous mistake. And Carl is not a mistake.

I avoid the question and go on with my mail, shoving it to the back. When I have some privacy I decide to open it. This by the way is killing me. I go off into the bedroom to open the letter.

The manuscript on the envelope is dainty and fine-antique really. I believe its from an older woman. Jane must be older. I open the envelope and find inside a letter that is folded. It is my letter, the same letter that I sent to her. Inside is the $25. I'm dissapointed. I should be happier that she sent it back and happier that I even got a response. Maybe I made her think about it, but there was no note, no explination so I'm guessing that she focused on the line that said,
" If you don’t feel comfortable at all doing this then simply send this money back in the envelope I provided for you and I will resend it to someone else."

So I guess were back to finding my first person. Maybe this time I'll get it right. I just recently visited Iowa, and had never really been in the state....I think my next person will be from iowa...and I'm thinking an man....

Ten things I want to do in my life

Everyone has goals and aspirations that they want to accomplish in thier life. I of course want to be a monther- I have two wonderful children and would love to have more, If the ability to adopt children was an option then I might consider it. Maybe in the future when I know that I can provide a more stable inviornment fo an adopted child I will do that, or maybe I can be a foster parent. I want to be a grandmother too, I want to open my hear to people, its the only thing that I have found that gives me complete satisfaction asa person...on the other hand there are other things that I want to do, that I enjoy. So in no aparent order...these are 10 of the top things I want to do in my life...

* Take a ride in a hot air balloon with my children-my daughter especially

* Learn how to fly a plane (a small one)and take a small trip with it

* Write a novel and have it published (currently working on that)

* Take a trip to Italy-I am 50% itallian and it shows

* spend a whole summer camping-I love the outdoors

* Put all my poems in a book for my children/grandcildren to have when I die

*open my house up for somene who needs to get back up on thier feet and become a part of thier growing experience

* Buy a piano and learn how to play it

* buy a classic mustang-69 or older and completely restore it doing most of the work myself

* see myself in a size 6, and be ok with the muffin top if I still have one... :)

That's a hefty list huh? Maybe I've set my goals high...maybe not, the only thing I ask is that God gives me the amount of time I need to complete it. I have a lot left to contribute to this world, and I am ready.

Flowers For Her

My girlfriend just recently went though a divorce too, and so here we both are doing the dating/new relationship thing-its hard sometimes, how can it not be-right? With out her support I would be lost sometimes and i know that goes the same for her too. I wanted to do something special for her this last weekend to show her I love her.
She's not too informed on planting flowers, or gardening, or anything living that you have to water for that matter, but i know this, and i know how much she likes flowers. So its my bright idea to go to her house while she's working the night shift and make a flower garden for her. I had so much fun, I love planting flowers, and her kids were home with the babysitter so they got to help me. We planted a pink rose bush and surrounding it we planted begonias, petunias, and some other pink and yellow flowers...we put some solar lights around the front and we mulched it. It was so pretty, and not too much for her to take care of. I left a card for her that said-
" Now you never have to wait for a man to bring you flowers"

Thank God for sunny days,the smell of babies, and best friends that help the pain go away...

My first letter..

I made the template for my letters, I'm going to be looking for the first person today, I'm curious to see how this first letter works out...Let me know what you think.



Dear____,

I am guessing you will find this letter as quite as a surprise. Please allow me to explain. My name is Staci Godsey, I am a 30 yr old mother to two wonderful children, and I live in a small town in Kansas. I am embarking on a personal journey to help me grow and learn as a person allowing me to pass my morals down to my children-all the while trying to make this world a better place on step at a time. I have started a quest-called The Letter Project, and I am personally blogging this on my website. I have chosen 12 people randomly to send a letter to, along with $25. (Please I am not rich by any means.) I am hoping that with God’s guidance I will have chosen the right 12 people. Here’s what I am hoping YOU do with the money.
1. Find a way to give back to the community with the money that I have sent you, be creative, $25 doesn’t get you far, but it might buy someone lunch in the drive through, put gas in someone’s car, buy groceries for someone who can’t afford them, etc..
2. Write me back with the self addressed envelope that I’m sending you, and tell me what you did with the money-if you have a chance take pictures so I can post them on my blog. Tell me how this experience helped you, or hurt you(hopefully not), What was it like for you to selflessly someone else’s money on something good for the community, or another person. Did I inspire you because I would like to know.
3. If you didn’t spend the money on anyone, and you chose to spend it on yourself, I would like to hear that also, I would really like for you to use it for the purpose I sent it but if you must and you feel like at that moment you needed it more, please tell me that. Please tell me if I helped you.
4. If you don’t feel comfortable at all doing this then simply send this money back in the envelope I provided for you and I will resend it to someone else.
Please remember I sent this to YOU for a reason. I chose you completely randomly, and God has directed me in this way. I have no idea who you are, I got your address off the Internet in the white pages. I am not naïve to the fact that people may not respond to me at all, or may not choose to do at all what I hope for, if that is the case then I will have learned from this experience one way or another.
You may follow my blog if you would like on the internet at http://seren-dipity-doo.blogspot.com/

Thanks for your time,
Staci Godsey

The Letter Project

Sometimes in my life I feel like even though I have a hundred million things going on it seems to not have any prominence or meaning. It lacks importance, I need something, something to make me feel like my life has an importance, so I have come up with a solution...The Letter Project. I'm not quite sure how this is going to work out but my rough draft plan is to randomly pick out 12 people through out the US over the next year, send them a letter and include $25,( I'm not rich by any means) and a post addressed envelope back to my address..(or PO BOX). The only thing that I ask of them is to figure out how to use that money to do something for someone or the community that is a selfless and random act of kindness. If they can I ask they take pictures and write me back and tell me how they used the money that way I can add it to my blog. If they can't think of a way to use the money and use it for that reason-then I will ask them to please return it to me in the envelope.

I'm a true believer that goodness is created from a cycle that keeps on growing, and maybe here I can start my own cycle. Selfless Random acts of Kindness are beneficial to people in so many ways. One thing you do today could have an impact on dozens of people.

I'm so excited to start this and I hope I get the results I want-although I'm not naive to the fact that people might just use this money and not right me back at all-I do hope that is not the case...and that God will help me chose the right people.