Eye of the Beholder

I’ve come to the understanding that this life that we live in really is what we make it. If I choose to make it great, it will be. If I choose to settle on meaningless relationships, then that’s just what I have chosen, a meaningless life, full of discontent, and only at “face value”. Show me the fountain of life, its over pouring with knowledge that has been showered to me lately, and here I sit-trying to process it all and take it in—baby steps. One foot in front of the other…and soon enough I am dancing…flowing, and loving it, embracing every minute of this journey of self discovery that I have witnessed within myself…and falling in love with me. Could it be, that this was my life path that I was meant to take. I beg with all of my heart and soul, please let me continue to experience all of this, don’t take me from this world without giving me the chance to grow and carry over with me more understanding and knowledge, because as I can see it now, there is so much more to take in, so much more that needs to be learned. And I have so much to show, and so much to give, A big step for me today, I came to the realization that I play a huge role in this world…I am giver, and I am a nurturer, and that is my nature-so its only natural for me to want to do these things, so I need to quite beating myself up for what I haven’t been able to accept in the past…and accept it. I also realized that I am an en lightener…and I have the ability to powerfully speak to people and help them to see things from a very different, very open point of view, I am an eye opener…and that is a big gift that I have. How do I better develop this? How can I make the best out of this…I am not sure at this moment, but damn’it I’m going to figure that out-its important, to me as a person, and to my spirit. When I leave this world and move on to the next journey, my life is not going to be remembered for the emptiness and false promises that I didn’t keep, its not going to be seen as inconsequential. I truly believe that the impact that I leave in this world is going to carry over unto the next one, and justifiably place me in a position with God that is of equivalent proportion to the impact that I had here on earth. An eye for an eye, but the beauty of the “eye” is in the eye of the beholder. God willing, its going to be a wonderful life starting now…this journey has just recently begun for me, the time in my life is measured now not in seconds, but impression of me that are bestowed upon it. And the greatest thing about it is, I have the two most wonderful people standing by my side,They are my best friends, and they are wonderful, guiding me, supporting me, and helping me through my life journey, while at the same time they are working on their own. For as I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for they are with my, my rod and my staff, they comfort me. And I am forever grateful...

The time is Now...

This is a but a journey, yet, still a breath in time- that has opened up my eyes and brought me to the this awakening moment that I have had today. It is a monumental moment-an experience that no doubt starts with me, and with you, and involves a world that is built around us. The time is now- time to start taking control, time to start living. Change is good-embrace it. Live it, love it for what it is, what it is about to be, and what it has become. Discovery is challenging, but embarking on it is overpowering. Lift your self up, build your self to become the person that you’re holding back from being. The one who you have dreamed about-the “you” that you have always looked out for. The “you” that is amazing, that says I am worthy of self-indulgence, and I am capable. Capable of breaking through the boundaries that have tied me down from becoming who I want to be. I myself- I am a giver, I am nurturer, and I am an enlightener. I have learned that its time to stop holding myself back from the potentials that I can impact on this world and time to start living the life that I know I am capable of. Self discovery is an abundant wealth of personal knowledge that can impact those who are privileged to know you. It’s time to awaken the inner you…it’s now your time to shine.

A new road...

I woke up this morning with this overwhelming sense of comfort, today was going to be a good day, because tomorrow is going to be even better. In my years of being a mother, a (past) wife, a sister, a daughter, a friend, I have lost the part of just being me...and I think I'm finally starting to find her...and you know what I've realized...I like her. I really like her, She can be fun. And she is smart, and caring, and she loves her children, and she's beginning to like the quiet moments more and more, they are not too hard to handle. I think discovering me, is going to be better then I thought. I have been single now for almost 6 weeks. Completely by myself with out him around for 4, but really we were headed out the first weeks in September, it just took us that long to get there... I loved him with everything I had, everything I could love him with for a whole year, and it wasn't enough...it wasn't enough for him to love me back with everything he had...and I can't settle for that any longer...my life is too important to me to not let that take importance in it. So in the beginning, I was thinking...I'm in search again...I have to find him...where is he???? But now I'm beginning to realize...I don't need to find him. HE NEEDS TO FIND ME!!! So I've quit looking. I'm not looking any longer. Staci is going to be Staci with out the stereotype of always LOOKING, and choosing the wrong ones. I am going to let it happen, not because I forced it, or because I was in search of it, or because I pushed it, Its going to happen because it is meant to happen, not because my lifes not complete with out it, but because it's not complete without me. And I'm sure one of these days when i least expect to see his face, He will find me....what a luck man he will be, because damn if I haven't realized in the last few months, I am a good catch! And you know the ones who are usually trying to catch the good ones, usually know how to take care of them too...
So with Gods grace, my patience; that I'm now finding, and the love of my children-my life is moving on. A learning experience, a love that wasn't wasted, and a journey that doesn't end here...

I got a letter today, not from my letter project, but from a friend....and in the letter in the end it said...

"There are bird tracks, and nothing in the sky,
Bird tracks between you and I."

echange of words..

Well it has been a while since I have spoken with Chris...and I wondered...then I got an email from him yesterday, a message on my facebook...!!! I was so excited to hear from him. He is doing better...better and has some hope...a wave of relief came over me when I realized that he was not hurt...a few days ago I scanned the internet for any inclination of anything that would let me know, and I could come up with nothing-now i know why. There was nothing to come up with. But he has hope, more hope then I expected from him. I'm not saying this is from me...but I'm so thankful...that God listened to my prayers and his prayers, and gave him the strength that he needed. I love being a messenger for him, and helping where it is needed. I'll continue to keep you updated, but I now get the knowledge of checking in on him...as much as I need!

lost with words...

I do not feel able to articulate myself at the moment, today has been a bad day for reasons i shall not burden you with. Some of what you have said has made me feel insignificant in that allthough you hold my soul as the part of me to pray for i feel yes i will free my soul from this weak minded body but it is the weak minded body that is feeling the lonley and guilt paved road its taking. My soul should burn in hell for what i am contemplating. I am strugling to make any sense at the moment. They removed your e-mail address. I perhaps might take comfort from talking some more, i just dont really know. I am deeply confused with the direction i should take and it disturbs me daily when i am screaming inside to be seen, to be heard but i stand silent allmost crying on the inside to hide the shame i feel. I want to talk, i want the comfort of friendship that seems to have deserted me, is it me pushing all these things away?, i am a simple person why am i suffering this turmoil. I have said i have skeletons in my closet, is this perhaps my kama. It is perhaps strange but it is the quiet moments that are the worst, for those are the times that the reality takes over and the full horror of the situation i am facing takes hold. I am not scared, i feel very peacefull with my thoughts about stepping off this plane of existance. As for method, i will not make any public statement to cause further distress to my family. Quietly and peacefully in a place where i know there is love for me. You may think i am a freak or lowlife idiot. I am not either i am just a normal guy with a family who has lost the will to struggle on, its that simple. All the fight has been beaten out of me and i just cant pick up any energy from anywhere. Simple solution to my problem, but thats the stuff of fairytales or as normal it is the people who deserve and need it least that come out on top time and time again. Aint life grand.
chris

My Response:


Of course they would remove my email! It seems so silly of me to think they would not. I wonder if their system would remove it if it was typed out in a different way. stacigodsey at yahoo dot com. He he, lets try that one. So your day has been difficult. Why would you feel the need to not burden me with that. You are no burden to me, you might be wondering why I care to talk to you. It may not seem practical to you, but its who I am. Let me explain…how did my path cross with yours, someone so far away from me, living in a different world. I was not looking for you, I was not looking to “help” if you want to call it that. I was searching ideas for selling stuff for my new business,and I ran across that idiotic blurb of what this man thought was the end of his world…and I was intrigued, I was astonished at how one world can be so different and people can hold different values at such a high, yet similar level. Then I read your post, and I can relate to you, and I thought maybe we are not as far from values as I though we were. Two worlds so far apart, struggling with the same life matters, although I’m not at a point where I want to end my life, I have been in moments where nothing seemed to matter enough to stay where I was…but I didn’t run, somewhere along the lines I found the courage to work it out. I have always believed that people come in and out of our lives for reasons, many reasons that we don’t know or understand, and that everything happens for a reason, you and I somehow our paths have crossed. Why, I can not answer that, am I curious, very. Is this why I continue to talk to you, partly-but again like I said thats who I am. I look for answers in things, and try to understand them. I believe there is a reason for everything, and whether you believe this or not, right now, you are a part of something, and I’m glad to have found you. I will never think of you as a low life, my respect for you was high the moment I read your letter. You to me are amazing, for the simple fact that you are trying so hard to be strong for your family, and yet your hurting so bad inside, and walking this alone for fear of letting anyone down. You are not selfish, you have a heart that is hurting and alone. Maybe you feel like you can talk to me because you do not know me, you have not met me, in your words alone over the last few day I can tell you I know more about you then you think, and I am right, you are a wonderful man who deserves to be happy with his life, and I would love to be your friend, and I will not let you push me away, no matter how hard you try :)
I want to share this with you, its about 5 years old, when I wrote it I was in so much pain, you will probably understand that, I feel that between our letters you and I can understand so much more then what is written. My outlook on things are a little different now, but maybe it will give you a sense that I too have felt the pain of being alone, and I know the hurt that is associated with that.

She walks the halls of broken dreams
In reality things are never what they seem
In the real world, people don’t stay together,
In the real world we don’t always have sunny weather.

In reality there is no happy ever after
There is no family full of love and laughter
There is no wishing on falling stars
Or driving really expensive cars

In the real world there is no one there
Not a single soul who really cares
No one there to put the food in your cart
No on there to feed your heart

In this world so harsh and cruel
we become each others fuel.
We learn to live off of pain and sorrow,
And what ever will get us through till tomorrow.

In life you learn to make it on your own
The holes are easily left unsown
There is nobody there to ease your pain
There is nobody there to take the strain

The dishes never really get clean
and no one is there to hear your screams
There is no one there for you to cry on their shoulder
And there is no on there who will lift the boulder.

In the real world dreams really do slip away
And prince charming usually decides not to stay
And the life you thought you’d like to live
Is not the life he chose to give.

In this reality there is no pot of gold,
And no one there for you to hold,
In reality things are never what they seem
Just a hall of faded and broken dreams.

Ps. I hope your day presents you with at least a smile of something to sleep on tonight.

More response from a heart that is hurting..

So far but at the same time standing right next to one another. Please pray for a cause that can bring you satisfaction, not for me as i will only dissapoint. I have been going through my story, its been a journey but every tale has an end. Some straight forward some not so. I have no reason to feel like a coward but will understand if it seems that way. When darkness is suffocating, enveloping making it seem that your looking at life from a tunnel then nothing seems to make sense. I am more than aware what i am about to do will have a devastating effect on the people close to me but feel comforted in the knowledge that there are people who will come together in a way that would never be possible otherwise. I have no fear within myself and feel a sad comfort in the knowledge my story will soon be just that. Rememberd in tales of good times to those who hold such thoughts dear, may even give more of a comfort to them than i can in life. I am tired of my life and know there is no chance of relief. I feel so emotionaly drained, but have become an expert at diverting the focus of my darkness from others. I am living a lie, going through the motions when i can see that the train is about to come off the rails. I appologise to you, i mean that more than these words can say. I have put my burden in words that you have read, i feel i should not have done that to you. You said you think i was here for for a reason, our paths crossed for a purpose. I feel i have made another mistake. I had no right to trouble you. Please dont worry for me, you never know, i might get a last minuite reprive. No more verse to ponder, i feel my time is coming to check out. Again i feel calm in the knowledge that my journey is coming to an end, i have almost conceeded the fact of even trying to beg for help as i feel the disgusting obscene greed of people blinds them to the plight of others and the caring society is a value no longer valid today. My name is Chris, thank you for your time and thank you for the fact you took the time to even talk to me. One last thing, you may be insulted by this but do you know of any charity where you are that would help a family in another country. It is a strange concept but we are supposed to live in hope.

My Response:
Are you scared? I am scared for you, have you thought about the process, do you know what method your going to use? Have you visualized the days that will follow with your family? By doing this is it going to relieve your wife of the stress of the bills that you have incurred? It not my business, and you have no reason to tell me, but I am curious? In the united states there are many agencies here that help, I will have to do some checking about helping other countries. Kiva-loans that change lives, I belong to that group, check it out and see if its even an option for you, I’m not sure that it is. Don’t apologize to me, there’s not a reason to, I am but just one person who is walking this life with you. You hold no value to me, I’m not going to morn when you die, I’m not going to cry…you my dear are out of my control. Besides,its not your body that I’m praying for, its your soul-which lives on forever, and your family, who will need the prayers before they even know it. One day, but not in this life time we will meet, that I am sure of, and when I reach out to hold your hand, you will know who I am.
Would you share with me what your world is like? What is your wife like, how old is she, how old are you? What kind of hearts do your children have. Is the place that you live in beautiful? Are you by the ocean? I live in the middle of the US. Surrounded by fields of corn, and small trees. Its quiet here, and I love the country-it brings me peace. My children are my life, I live for their laughter, I have a daughter and a son. Nine and four. I don’t mind talking to you, and if you like I would continue to do so until you no longer wish. My emial is --------------, and by now you have probably figured my name is Staci.

And another one comes...

“WORDS” What a powerfull way to communicate, with no malice, no pressure, no pre judgement just thought provoking sentences that can affect a state of mind and take you far from the place of pain, confusion and horror that confronts. I can lose myself in places like that, thank you for that. Its is a crazy thing that my downfall is about money when the important things, family have been slowly eradicated from there rightfull place. I have been quite nomadic in my life and am not materialistic. My family is the only thing worth anything to me but i have reached a selfish point of no return, it seems all i can focus on is the darkness. I have lost faith in everything, i have exhausted my options for help and have tried the roads you mention to no availe. Why cant i get a break from somewhere. You know a crazy thing i heard on the radio today, a football player whos name i forget is paid the same ammount a week as my mortgage. I would have the rest of my working life to look forward to to pay the same ammount back if i were inclined to not follow the path i am thinking of taking. Guilt, i carry like a burden everyday. I look at my youngest son and feel my eyes welling up, what will his future be like if i stay, what if i go.I feel strong and weak at the same time. I know friends who had church friends, christians who answered there prayers when they needed financial help. All i feel is jealousy for both the kind act and there faith and belief. I feel like i am drifting at the moment. Charity is hard to find.

My Response:

I woke up this morning wondering, and as I go to bed tonight- I am a little relieved, we live worlds apart, you are sleeping, and I am thinking of drifting to sleep shortly, believe me you will be on my mind. Guilt is equivalent to grief,it creates a pain that overcomes our whole life, it is all we are consumed with,until we let it take over, and only then when we have reached the darkest moments are we able to lift our head and begin to move forward. You are drifting,yes possibly, but you are also slowly swimming against the current that is taking you away, and tonight as i go to bed, i believe that all I can do for you is pray. Believe me when I say this, tonight while your sleeping, peacefully or not, I will be praying for you and your wife and your kids. And know that in a country many miles from yours there is a person, but a grain of sand in a sand box, who cares deeply enough to spend her night before she sleeps opening her heart up to the lord to ask you to help heal. And if my words are of any comfort to you, then the best that I can do is to keep sharing them…so here again are thought of mine from a previous moment in my life that I will open up and share for you, because I do not deserve to know your pain, and your hurt, yet you are willing to share, so I too will do the same…
And I will hope that tomorrow we will meet again.

A New Life

I sit here thinking of how my life is changing.

Different times,
Different places,
Different memories.
Different faces.

And I wonder, where this new life is going to go,
What direction do I take,
What road will lead me home.
In this dizzy, in this commotion,
Where is the constant

Always changing
Always flowing
Never stopping
Always going.

When does it end, when will I know,
In what moment will it come to me,
That I can do it on my own.

Such Despair
Such Disgrace
Such loneliness
No one here to take my place

So in this life I will continue to go
In this life I will continue to grow
In this life I will continue to live
In this life I will continue to give

I will laugh
I will cry
I will love
I will try