Eye of the Beholder

I’ve come to the understanding that this life that we live in really is what we make it. If I choose to make it great, it will be. If I choose to settle on meaningless relationships, then that’s just what I have chosen, a meaningless life, full of discontent, and only at “face value”. Show me the fountain of life, its over pouring with knowledge that has been showered to me lately, and here I sit-trying to process it all and take it in—baby steps. One foot in front of the other…and soon enough I am dancing…flowing, and loving it, embracing every minute of this journey of self discovery that I have witnessed within myself…and falling in love with me. Could it be, that this was my life path that I was meant to take. I beg with all of my heart and soul, please let me continue to experience all of this, don’t take me from this world without giving me the chance to grow and carry over with me more understanding and knowledge, because as I can see it now, there is so much more to take in, so much more that needs to be learned. And I have so much to show, and so much to give, A big step for me today, I came to the realization that I play a huge role in this world…I am giver, and I am a nurturer, and that is my nature-so its only natural for me to want to do these things, so I need to quite beating myself up for what I haven’t been able to accept in the past…and accept it. I also realized that I am an en lightener…and I have the ability to powerfully speak to people and help them to see things from a very different, very open point of view, I am an eye opener…and that is a big gift that I have. How do I better develop this? How can I make the best out of this…I am not sure at this moment, but damn’it I’m going to figure that out-its important, to me as a person, and to my spirit. When I leave this world and move on to the next journey, my life is not going to be remembered for the emptiness and false promises that I didn’t keep, its not going to be seen as inconsequential. I truly believe that the impact that I leave in this world is going to carry over unto the next one, and justifiably place me in a position with God that is of equivalent proportion to the impact that I had here on earth. An eye for an eye, but the beauty of the “eye” is in the eye of the beholder. God willing, its going to be a wonderful life starting now…this journey has just recently begun for me, the time in my life is measured now not in seconds, but impression of me that are bestowed upon it. And the greatest thing about it is, I have the two most wonderful people standing by my side,They are my best friends, and they are wonderful, guiding me, supporting me, and helping me through my life journey, while at the same time they are working on their own. For as I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for they are with my, my rod and my staff, they comfort me. And I am forever grateful...

The time is Now...

This is a but a journey, yet, still a breath in time- that has opened up my eyes and brought me to the this awakening moment that I have had today. It is a monumental moment-an experience that no doubt starts with me, and with you, and involves a world that is built around us. The time is now- time to start taking control, time to start living. Change is good-embrace it. Live it, love it for what it is, what it is about to be, and what it has become. Discovery is challenging, but embarking on it is overpowering. Lift your self up, build your self to become the person that you’re holding back from being. The one who you have dreamed about-the “you” that you have always looked out for. The “you” that is amazing, that says I am worthy of self-indulgence, and I am capable. Capable of breaking through the boundaries that have tied me down from becoming who I want to be. I myself- I am a giver, I am nurturer, and I am an enlightener. I have learned that its time to stop holding myself back from the potentials that I can impact on this world and time to start living the life that I know I am capable of. Self discovery is an abundant wealth of personal knowledge that can impact those who are privileged to know you. It’s time to awaken the inner you…it’s now your time to shine.

Autumn Amore

It was a surprisingly warm day for the middle of October. It was obviously going to be one of the last weekends of fall that I was going to get to enjoy before the cold weather started to set in for winter. Kansas winters were not harsh by any means, surprisingly mild usually, a mix of Northern charm with a hint of Southern hospitality every now and then. But the idea of snow covered streets and hot chocolate hadn’t settled well with me yet. Cold days and bad weather meant no traveling, and that was something I was anxiously awaiting for an opportunity to do.I looked outside at the real world and took in the scenery, my neighbors had started raking leaves already, the sun was shining brightly, and a lonely butterfly floated above my window as if to say “Come outside and play today.”
“I’m not going anywhere today.” I said out loud sighing, and I curled back up under the covers to dream about the one and only thing that had been on my mind for the past four days-him.
It was a nice dream. The kind that wakes you in the middle of the night sweating and wishing there was someone warm in your bed next to you, to relive those moments that are now lingering in your head. The kind that sends your heart into convulsions because the kisses; oh the kisses couldn’t possibly be that good, or could they? “Oh Anabda, this ridiculous behavior has got to stop!” I tried to pull myself out of bed, pulling back the covers to unleash the warm air that encircled my whole body, but I couldn’t do it. My stomach was so week, like ten million butterflies waiting to be released into the free. This is the kind of crazy obsessive behavior you hear them talking about on the Dr. Phill show…can’t eat, interrupting sleeping patterns, unable to function. “I have got to get it together” I slumped back onto the bed and cradled up into a ball wrapping my arms around my pillow. “I wonder if he’s on line.”I thought to myself.
Out with the laptop, onto the facebook page. There he was, ‘oh my god he is beautiful, Tom-my Tom. It had been exactly four days since he responded to the poems that I had wrote on my blog, and four days since he stole my heart. Sure, we had never really met, I mean grade school really doesn’t count does it, and yes I was a little bit of a hopeless romantic, but how many times in a life time do you really get a connection like this one anyways. With every word I wrote, he had a response, and with every response I read, a little more of that fire spread within my whole body. He had me…right where he wanted me. I was hooked, and so hooked that it was encompassing my whole life. I hadn’t eaten for the last two days, nothing was making since. I played the role of being a mother, a Teacher, a daughter, by just going through the motions…and honestly the last few days were such a haze, “was it really Saturday? Where did the week go?” But I knew –I had spent every moment of the last 48 hours glued to my computer with my phone in my hand, learning everything possible that I could about this fascinating man who already had my heart.
He was available. I sent him a message.
“Hey, feeling better today?”
“not really, a little bit-my throat feels a little better. Are you feeling better?”
“Ummm, not really, my stomach is still pretty crazy” I couldn’t tell him it was because of him that I was feeling that way. He had been sick for the last 3 days, and that had helped aid our fledgling relationship, for this was the reason he spent so much time talking to me over the last four days.
We spent the next 5 hours laying in bed chatting to one another, just like the last days proceeding this, it was magic. I told him about my problems with my past relationships, and he consoled me. I laughed at his jokes, and he fed me more. It was obvious I was thirsty, and couldn’t get enough of him. He intrigued me, and I wanted to know everything, about his past, about his life, his dreams, his goals, and he told me. He told me that he loves kids, that he wants to have a family, that his best outlet is music, and he loves to do a variety of things to have fun. I was falling for him more and more as the day progressed, and I didn’t do my best to keep that a secret. Forward-maybe; determined-yes. But he fed into it…and I loved it…He teased me and I engulfed every moment of it.
“I really wish I had someone to come down here and give me some TLC, make me some soup and take care of me” he said.
“Your two hours away! I’ll have some delivered.” And I would have too, little did he know I was making calls as we spoke.
“It wouldn’t be as good as the real thing,” he joked to me, I could feel the edge coming out through his writing. He was getting curious. I liked that, I wanted that. I wanted him.
“Oh you have no idea how good the real thing is, but your absolutely right, It wouldn’t be as good as the real thing”. We had moved onto games on the computer and the conversation was getting a little competitive now and fun.
“Looks like I’m kicking you butt” I said. “lets play a game”
“We are playing a game”
“no, I mean, I wanna see how well my psychic abilities are, let me guess your middle name.”
“You already know my middle name”
“I do? I mean your right I do! See my psychic abilities told me your middle name was Tom ”
“Thomas. Guess my first name”
“Alexander”
“nope”
“Christopher”
“no, starts with the letter E. Think Old English man”
“OK???-Edmund?”
“No, lol, try again.”
“Edward?”
“Edwin, …”
“Edwin Thomas Windel….now you have to guess mine” I said talking out loud as if here were here to listen.
“ok, ann”
“NO”
“marie”
“NO”
He was flustered, I could tell, “ummmmmm”
“Think of a man’s name” I wrote.
“ummmm Erin”
“Think morning time”
“Don”
“Yeah-only its spelled DAWN, I was named after my dad” I piped.
“I was named after my dad-Edwin Thomas Windel IV,” he piped. “ Amanda Dawn, I like it, you can be my dawn of a new day.”
“Well lets hope a new day will give you better luck, I’m still kicking your butt,” I told him. As soon as I spoke that I looked at the clock and saw that it was almost three o’clock. I was supposed to work tonight. And on top of that I had a birthday party that my best friend was throwing for her boyfriend and I was going to have to wrap this up soon, and I knew this but didn’t want to. I wasn’t looking forward to work or a party tonight. I had already had a partied two nights before with them so it wasn't like I needed to go.
“Tom,”
“Yes, Mandy”
“Can I keep you?”
“We shall see….maybe, we shall see…”
We finished the game and I was desperately looking for excuses to not have to end this day. Flirting, teasing, the conversation was definitely getting intense, my mind was wondering to the day when I would get to see him for the first time, and a good dose of reality is what I needed.
“You know what I’m thinking…” Tom typed as he brought me back from my daydream.
“ Your thinking I won aren’t you”
“NO! I’m not giving up yet…I’m thinking you should drive up to Lawrence to visit an old friend who is sick and needs some TLC”
“‘Oh my God, he did not just say that”, I said out loud, " “OMG OMG OMG is this happening?” If I say yes will I seem to eager, If I say no, I wont have a chance to see him again for almost three weeks. If I say yes I have to call into work, and make an excuse as to why I can’t go to the party. I was apparently taking to long to answer.
“You don’t have to, it was just an idea” he stated.
“If I say yes, will that make me seem eager?” I laughed out loud, I knew I wanted to go, I wanted to see him, I needed to see if this connection I felt online was just that, an online romance, or if it was real. I had to…I felt like an idiot…I was practically throwing myself at him… “My God is it that obvious!”
“No you wont look eager, its just two old friends reconnecting”
“Ok, let me get some things together and I’ll call you when I’m heading there.”

I threw on my clothes, not even taking time to shower, grabbed my makeup and dumped it in my purse, ran a brush through my hair and was out the door. It was a good two hour drive to Lawrence where Tom lived, and I was certain I was going to make it in record time. I knew that if I hurried I could if I was lucky spend about three hours down there without anyone getting suspicious about what was going on. I called my best friend and told her I wouldn’t be making it tonight because work was going to be running late,I called my parents and asked them to keep the kids a little longer then normal, then I called into work. Man this was a lot of work all to spend three hours with a man I hadn't seen in 10 years, to top it off a four hour drive round trip. Was I seriously going to do this…this is not rational behavior for me. Too late now I was just passing the toll exit and there was no turning around for at least an hour. Then I got a text message from him on my phone; “let me know when your leaving to come down here.” Awww crap did I forget to mention that I already did. Yup. I shot him a quick text back telling him I already left and would be there by 5:30.
It’s become quite easy for me to get ready while driving in my car, almost second nature. I can usually put on my makeup in the same amount of time I would do it at home, and I’ve been known a time or two to change my wardrobe when driving. Many years of running late to work, or running out of work to a party that I gained this so called talent. Well for not taking a shower and half ass throwing myself together, I didn’t look half bad. If I’d had a razor I would have shaved my legs right there…don’t put it past me, I would.
A little while longer and I receive another text on my phone, “I just want you to know I’m not expecting anything tonight, just a chance to get to know you”. Hmmmm ok, well how do I respond to that. I’m not expecting anything either, except maybe fireworks and an orchestra playing in the back ground and to be swept off my feet…no wait I was swept off my feet four days ago. I just want to validate that. So I reply back; “I’m not expecting anything either, just a chance to get to know you and hang out with a pretty awesome guy”. That seemed to go over well, I got a simple ‘good, and call me when you get close to the exit, I’ll give you directions from there’. Lawrence was another hour away.
In that next hour I think I checked my hair about 5 times, checked my make up a couple two or three times, took a few pictures while I was driving on the road, flipped back and forth for a good radio station and daydreamed about the way this evening was going to turn out. Tom and I had gone to school together when we were kids. I didn’t remember much about him, but the one thing that stood out to me the most was his eyes. They were the one thing that I remember so vividly. And it was really eating at me to see them again. After all these years for me to hold onto the memory of his eyes, not just his eyes but the look in his eyes, the way they lit up when he smiled…I couldn’t wait to experience that again . I didn’t realize just how much I was holding on to that.
The Lawrence exit came sooner the I expected, and It was time for me to make a phone call, the first phone call-ever.
“Hey,” I said, wow such originality.
“Heoyew” was the only mumble that I heard from him on my end of the line.
“ummm, I’m at the Lawrence exit and I don’t know where to go from here.”
“wellb your goindg tube ass the holb on a sexond I’m brustin my feet” ya, that’s about how I heard it. Ok so he has a half ass sexy voice when its filled with a toothbrush and he is sick on top of it. Wonder how it sounds originally?
“ok sorry” he said, “I was brushing my teeth, ok, your going to have to turn west after you get off the toll booth in Lawrence , and then your going to go about 10 min to Rock Road, turn on 44th and your right there. Its very easy to find. Call me if you get lost.”
“ok-see you soon,” I said and hung up the phone.
Suddenly I was wishing I would have chose something a little more cuter then a tank top with my K-State hoodie over the top of it. I was not looking sexy, but I wasn’t trying to be –right?
So another phone call to him, and I was talking with him as I turned down his street trying to find just exactly where I was going…I passed him, and oops I almost passed him again. Then there he was, and oh my God. I think I have never done so many turns on one street before in my life, but I finally managed to get my van parked the right way in the right place, right behind his car. I hopped out, so he wouldn’t see my disgusting mess that I had in there, and met him by the front of my van.
‘Well you look as good as I thought you would’ did I say that out loud or was I thinking it. Hell I can’t remember, I do remember that standing next to him gave me shivers up and down my body, and if I thought my stomach was week earlier it didn’t compare to anything I was feeling now.
“Hi” he said
“Hi” I managed, “So this is your place?”
“No I rent the downstairs of the basement.” he said as he led me down the steps and into the entryway of his place. It was a nice place, everything seemed to be in order. Not typical of my life, but that was fine. There were candles lit, and the fragrance that filled the room was sweet and sort of delicious, pretty comparative to the man who was standing next to me…sweet and delicious.
“So you have a pretty nice place” I said, “You have some pretty classy taste” Looking around at his place it was obvious he had expensive taste. The row of clocks lined the back wall, next to some books of poetry, our common ground, and a wine rack filled with wine. Not cheep wine either, that I could tell. Some that looked old, I wasn’t for sure. His living room kitchen and dining room was all one big space, but it was obviously distinguishable between the dining room and the living room. A sitting area was off to the side of the living room trying to elude a separation from his everyday life, his own personal retreat to the best of his ability with what he had to work with. It was all very nice. And very neat. ‘Ten minutes in here with my kids and this place would be destroyed’ I thought to myself.
“Classy taste huh,” he said lingering on his words, “I wouldn’t say that, I just like a lot of different things. You want the official tour”
“Sure why not” I said.
“How about something to drink first.”
“I’ll just have water if you have it” I said.
He grabbed a water and led the way. It was a short tour, down the hall he led me to the bathroom, which again had candles going, right next to that was the spare bedroom –his office, full of nostalgia from his childhood days mixed in with his current projects that filled his desk. Straight to the right of that was his room. A quick glance at his room gave me quite a bit of insight into him more. For one, his bed was made, and five hundred pillows were on it, It looked just like mine-that was a plus. He had vacuumed, from what I could tell, but it was still very obvious that he had spent the last four days hibernating in his room from being sick. So it wasn’t all picture perfect on the inside…that I liked.
I led myself back out to the living room, it was a little too early to be spending to much time in the bedroom. I found myself a place on his loveseat and we sat down. I propped my feet up on the ottoman and he propped his up next to mine.
“Your toes are painted,’ he said. ”They have flowers on them?”
“Ya they are,” I replied, “My daughter Cammie and I always paint our toes and try to make them look pretty”
“I remember one time I had a girlfriend paint my toes and I got used to looking at them all summer, so when they started to wear off, I thought it looked funny so I painted them again”
“You painted your toes!” Weirdo! Did I say that out loud, I cant remember, but I was thinking it…then I had this overwhelming urge to want to paint his right then and there…now who’s the weirdo!
And that’s how the conversation was, nice and easy, and even though I was a little nervous, I felt comfortable to be with him. We talked about his past as a child, and mine too. We talked about my drive up here, and my kids. We talked about family, and we looked at his scrap book and the pictures from when he was a child that his mom had put together. It was all so very natural to be close to him. Earlier I had taken my shoes off at the door and my feet were getting a little cold, so I tucked them between both of his legs and rested my head back on the couch.
“Are you cold I can get you a blanket?” he said.
“I’m always cold,” I replied, “a blanket would be great though” As he got up to get a blanket I sat there with amazement, it really is as great as I thought it was going to be-he is absolutely adorable. He sat back down with the blanket and put it across me, and he snuggled in closer to me, and i lay my head on his shoulder, his warmth filled my whole body. It was awesome.
He memorized my every inch, making comments about my scars on my fingers, to the lines on my nose. He ran his fingers down my arms and played with my hands coupling them inside his own, they were soft and smooth, so warm to the touch, when he entangled his hands in mine they felt like the fit-so perfectly. He commented about my ear being pierced three times making sure to touch them as he did so. He caressed my head with his hands, running his fingers through my hair melting away any anxiety or fear that I had built my self up to for this day. I closed my eyes and let my fears drift away. He had me. And it was all I could to do to hold back what I wanted to do so badly.
As I sat curled up there next to him I imagined a lifetime of this, someone taking time to notice the details, someone taking time to take care of me, to caress me, to notice me for once. Someone who is not just going to take, take, take while I do all the giving. I slowly opened my eyes and let my soul do the searching. And then he smiled, and those eyes were just as beautiful if not more then I remembered them to ever be. So delicate, and such a deep sense of belonging is what I got when I looked into them.
“All of this feels so natural to be here, so close to you” I said to him. My face was so close to his, I could smell his breath, I could feel his breathing tickle my neck.
“Can I keep you?” I asked.
And then he kissed me. Just like that, soft and gentle, almost like I was going to break if he kissed me any harder, and the whiskers from his face tickled my lips and sent shivers down my back. It was perfect. And then the butterflies were set free, swarming to get out , I couldn’t hold back any longer, I kissed him more passionately then he kissed me, and it was very obvious where I wanted to be. Right there. With him. Forever. And every kiss that followed that first one held a little more magnitude then the one before it, I was about to explode. Before I could even consciously be aware of my actions I was straddling him sitting on top of him on the couch drinking up every ounce of him that he had to give me.
Before long he had wrapped his arms around me and lowered me to the floor. He proceeded to kiss me with more passion then that of before. I was floating in the clouds and my body was almost detaching myself from reality. I was experiencing more feelings then I had felt in years, and If I wasn’t careful we weren’t careful we were going to do something that neither one of us would have wanted to do. With every kiss that he delivered I could feel a thickening in his pants, and every time I felt his tongue on my lips, I gently moved mountains below with my hips. I wanted him. Every part of my body wanted him, My imagination was going crazy, and I think he wanted me too. I ran my finger all over his body, up his arms, through his hair-gently pulling on it bringing his lips once again closer to mine. I slowly ran my fingers down his back, nestled my head in his neck and stole a bite out of his shoulder and then gently ran my lips from his shoulder all the way along his neck and up to his ear, kissing him ever so softly, I moved my hips up against his in a motion that told him I wanted him right now.
Suddenly he wrapped his arms around me, one around my waist and the other under my ass and picked me up off the floor. Giggling I grabbed onto him and wrapped my legs around his waste, Face to face we stumbled down the hallway, stopping as he gently leaned me up against the wall pressing his body against mine and stole another kiss from me before he headed into his room and laid me down on his bed.
It was the most amazing feeling being that close to him, and every kiss that was received was passionately given back in return.
“We should slow down,” I whispered. But every part of my body didn’t agree with what I said. Oh I would have given him everything I had to give him right there, had I not been afraid that we would have been moving too fast. I didn’t wan to be that girl, I wanted to be his girl, and his girl obviously had better morals then that.
“Ok we can slow down,” he said heavily. And he continued to run his fingers up my body under my shirt and coupled my breast in his hands. Kissing me again with a passion that neither one of us wanted to ignore, he pressed his face between my breast and kissed me once more.
I was dying inside, it took all the self restraint I had to not tear off his clothes. And mine, well-they were restricting enough. He ran his lips down my stomach, and his hands, so strong, wrapped around my waist as he buried his head in body again. Once again he cupped his hands on my breasts and I kissed him again with every ounce of passion I had to give him, and then as fast as I could my ragged breath whispered. “We should stop, we should stop.”
Slowly he pulled his hands down from my shirt, and lowered me back down on top of him as he lay his head on his pillow. Slowly I kissed him again and still tasting the desire that was left on his lips, and the kiss was returned with such electricity, so delicate and warm- followed by a trail of softer, sweeter kisses that he placed on my lips. I rested my head on his chest and ran my fingers along the lines of his face, caressing his every crevice, memorizing every freckle and every scar with my hands; his lips, his nose, his eyebrows, his chin, and then I started from the beginning again. Making love to him without making love to him was the most amazing feeling I had ever had experienced in my adult life. And I wanted to remember this moment for the rest of my life, etch it in my mind like a good movie, one I could replay forever.
“Quit petting me” he joked.
“I’m not petting you, I’m caressing you…” I said, and I ran my fingers across his chin again. “…besides, you like it.”
He leaned in to kiss me, showing me he agreed with what I had said. He did like it, and it was just going to be the beginning for us. We both knew that.We lay there for the next half an hour soaking up each other, for the time was coming close to an end and we both knew it was going to soon be over. We joked about our sports teams, and he had to make it a point to go throw on his KU jersey, which held no ground to my K-State sweatshirt, but I made him think it was cool. Actually we were pretty cute laying there next to each other, had a game been on, I think our blood might have boiled a little, but we had experienced that earlier, and I’m sure a little team rivalry couldn’t compete with that.
“I should probably be going,” I said whining.
“Ya, you’ve got a drive ahead of you.”
I was still amazed that his voice could send shivers up my spine. It was deep, and sensual, I just wanted to capture it, and take it with me for the drive home. I got up and started getting my things together, and he followed me out to the living room, while I got my shoes on, and headed towards the door. Once we were outside, the cool night air brought me back to reality. My dreams I would have to spend chasing on another night, it was time to go. Walking out to the car, he said to me, “text me when you make it home, so I know you got there ok”.
“I wish I didn’t have to go,” I answered to him.

He leaned me up against the van and kissed me, and said “Well maybe if your lucky you’ll get to see me again.”
“If I’m lucky huh?” I teased.
“Ya, if your lucky…” he repeated.
I kissed him one more time pressing my body against his, making sure that he remembered just what it might feel like to see me again, “I guess we’ll see about that….”, I said smiling and I turned and headed into my van.
I watched him disappear as I headed towards home. ‘If I’m lucky,’, I thought to myself and laughed. He had no idea, how lucky I already was. This was not going to be the last time, there was not going to be a last time. This-tonight, it was the beginning of a lifetime of moments that we were going to share with each other, and I felt that with every ounce of my soul. I was most certain that there was going to be a next time, and a next time, and a next time. For there already was as I replayed the moments we had just shared in my head. And it seemed to me that a few of the butterflies that had been set free, had decided to follow me home, for I felt them inside every time I remembered the feel of his lips, or the touch of his hands, or the sound of his voice. Fluttering, dancing, dreaming….

A "Ray" of light...shinng..glowing...evolving..

I’ve met the most amazing man, he wears his heart on his sleeve. Kindness and compassion emulate from his entire body and he has the ability to draw others close to him, just to be near him, to touch but just an ounce , dip into it just a little, and completely experience the full effect of “ray”. Such depths of him can be seen when you look into his eyes. Like eternity upon eternity that has been laid out before him and settled into one spirit that has so much to offer and so much to give. He is a remarkable man, an uplifting gift of love that can settle even the most unrequited soul. Yet he is lost, lost in his own discoveries and lost in his fears of what he has done, what hearts he has hurt, and the pain he has seen. Grieving; it’s a process he has yet to learn to handle, a journey that his life has yet to tackle-because he feels alone. It is time, time for him to let it go, let it out, release it. As a person who has experienced in just a small amount of time the immensity of the love that can be given from him, I have realized (though I am not sure that he has)that he refuses to let it be given back in return. Although he wants nothing more in life to be loved and to show his love, he is scared, and that’s recognizable. But what he needs to learn, the lesson out of all of this-he is not alone. He is loved for who he is, and the people who recognized this-the gift that we call “Ray”-are truly the ones that matter in his life. We are his stepping stones, we are his rocks, we believe in him, and love him, and grieve for him also, and a million mistakes could cross the paths that he takes, but not a single one of them is going to rescind the amative feelings we have for him. For the man who has captured our hearts in so many ways continues to do so even though the circumstances of fate are playing the cards in all the wrong ways. We will never stand down from his side, we will never relinquish our faith, and if the situations were reversed the feelings would be reciprocated to the fullest degree. For he is yet a soul that is stuck in a place in time that only needs the purest love of his closest friends-his soul mates –to help him cross this rocky path. For a soul, a lifetime is a second, compared to the glory that is felt in eternity, and ultimately an eternity is what we are achieving, an eternity to spend knowing and loving this amazing, amazing, man.

A new road...

I woke up this morning with this overwhelming sense of comfort, today was going to be a good day, because tomorrow is going to be even better. In my years of being a mother, a (past) wife, a sister, a daughter, a friend, I have lost the part of just being me...and I think I'm finally starting to find her...and you know what I've realized...I like her. I really like her, She can be fun. And she is smart, and caring, and she loves her children, and she's beginning to like the quiet moments more and more, they are not too hard to handle. I think discovering me, is going to be better then I thought. I have been single now for almost 6 weeks. Completely by myself with out him around for 4, but really we were headed out the first weeks in September, it just took us that long to get there... I loved him with everything I had, everything I could love him with for a whole year, and it wasn't enough...it wasn't enough for him to love me back with everything he had...and I can't settle for that any longer...my life is too important to me to not let that take importance in it. So in the beginning, I was thinking...I'm in search again...I have to find him...where is he???? But now I'm beginning to realize...I don't need to find him. HE NEEDS TO FIND ME!!! So I've quit looking. I'm not looking any longer. Staci is going to be Staci with out the stereotype of always LOOKING, and choosing the wrong ones. I am going to let it happen, not because I forced it, or because I was in search of it, or because I pushed it, Its going to happen because it is meant to happen, not because my lifes not complete with out it, but because it's not complete without me. And I'm sure one of these days when i least expect to see his face, He will find me....what a luck man he will be, because damn if I haven't realized in the last few months, I am a good catch! And you know the ones who are usually trying to catch the good ones, usually know how to take care of them too...
So with Gods grace, my patience; that I'm now finding, and the love of my children-my life is moving on. A learning experience, a love that wasn't wasted, and a journey that doesn't end here...

I got a letter today, not from my letter project, but from a friend....and in the letter in the end it said...

"There are bird tracks, and nothing in the sky,
Bird tracks between you and I."

echange of words..

Well it has been a while since I have spoken with Chris...and I wondered...then I got an email from him yesterday, a message on my facebook...!!! I was so excited to hear from him. He is doing better...better and has some hope...a wave of relief came over me when I realized that he was not hurt...a few days ago I scanned the internet for any inclination of anything that would let me know, and I could come up with nothing-now i know why. There was nothing to come up with. But he has hope, more hope then I expected from him. I'm not saying this is from me...but I'm so thankful...that God listened to my prayers and his prayers, and gave him the strength that he needed. I love being a messenger for him, and helping where it is needed. I'll continue to keep you updated, but I now get the knowledge of checking in on him...as much as I need!

lost with words...

I do not feel able to articulate myself at the moment, today has been a bad day for reasons i shall not burden you with. Some of what you have said has made me feel insignificant in that allthough you hold my soul as the part of me to pray for i feel yes i will free my soul from this weak minded body but it is the weak minded body that is feeling the lonley and guilt paved road its taking. My soul should burn in hell for what i am contemplating. I am strugling to make any sense at the moment. They removed your e-mail address. I perhaps might take comfort from talking some more, i just dont really know. I am deeply confused with the direction i should take and it disturbs me daily when i am screaming inside to be seen, to be heard but i stand silent allmost crying on the inside to hide the shame i feel. I want to talk, i want the comfort of friendship that seems to have deserted me, is it me pushing all these things away?, i am a simple person why am i suffering this turmoil. I have said i have skeletons in my closet, is this perhaps my kama. It is perhaps strange but it is the quiet moments that are the worst, for those are the times that the reality takes over and the full horror of the situation i am facing takes hold. I am not scared, i feel very peacefull with my thoughts about stepping off this plane of existance. As for method, i will not make any public statement to cause further distress to my family. Quietly and peacefully in a place where i know there is love for me. You may think i am a freak or lowlife idiot. I am not either i am just a normal guy with a family who has lost the will to struggle on, its that simple. All the fight has been beaten out of me and i just cant pick up any energy from anywhere. Simple solution to my problem, but thats the stuff of fairytales or as normal it is the people who deserve and need it least that come out on top time and time again. Aint life grand.
chris

My Response:


Of course they would remove my email! It seems so silly of me to think they would not. I wonder if their system would remove it if it was typed out in a different way. stacigodsey at yahoo dot com. He he, lets try that one. So your day has been difficult. Why would you feel the need to not burden me with that. You are no burden to me, you might be wondering why I care to talk to you. It may not seem practical to you, but its who I am. Let me explain…how did my path cross with yours, someone so far away from me, living in a different world. I was not looking for you, I was not looking to “help” if you want to call it that. I was searching ideas for selling stuff for my new business,and I ran across that idiotic blurb of what this man thought was the end of his world…and I was intrigued, I was astonished at how one world can be so different and people can hold different values at such a high, yet similar level. Then I read your post, and I can relate to you, and I thought maybe we are not as far from values as I though we were. Two worlds so far apart, struggling with the same life matters, although I’m not at a point where I want to end my life, I have been in moments where nothing seemed to matter enough to stay where I was…but I didn’t run, somewhere along the lines I found the courage to work it out. I have always believed that people come in and out of our lives for reasons, many reasons that we don’t know or understand, and that everything happens for a reason, you and I somehow our paths have crossed. Why, I can not answer that, am I curious, very. Is this why I continue to talk to you, partly-but again like I said thats who I am. I look for answers in things, and try to understand them. I believe there is a reason for everything, and whether you believe this or not, right now, you are a part of something, and I’m glad to have found you. I will never think of you as a low life, my respect for you was high the moment I read your letter. You to me are amazing, for the simple fact that you are trying so hard to be strong for your family, and yet your hurting so bad inside, and walking this alone for fear of letting anyone down. You are not selfish, you have a heart that is hurting and alone. Maybe you feel like you can talk to me because you do not know me, you have not met me, in your words alone over the last few day I can tell you I know more about you then you think, and I am right, you are a wonderful man who deserves to be happy with his life, and I would love to be your friend, and I will not let you push me away, no matter how hard you try :)
I want to share this with you, its about 5 years old, when I wrote it I was in so much pain, you will probably understand that, I feel that between our letters you and I can understand so much more then what is written. My outlook on things are a little different now, but maybe it will give you a sense that I too have felt the pain of being alone, and I know the hurt that is associated with that.

She walks the halls of broken dreams
In reality things are never what they seem
In the real world, people don’t stay together,
In the real world we don’t always have sunny weather.

In reality there is no happy ever after
There is no family full of love and laughter
There is no wishing on falling stars
Or driving really expensive cars

In the real world there is no one there
Not a single soul who really cares
No one there to put the food in your cart
No on there to feed your heart

In this world so harsh and cruel
we become each others fuel.
We learn to live off of pain and sorrow,
And what ever will get us through till tomorrow.

In life you learn to make it on your own
The holes are easily left unsown
There is nobody there to ease your pain
There is nobody there to take the strain

The dishes never really get clean
and no one is there to hear your screams
There is no one there for you to cry on their shoulder
And there is no on there who will lift the boulder.

In the real world dreams really do slip away
And prince charming usually decides not to stay
And the life you thought you’d like to live
Is not the life he chose to give.

In this reality there is no pot of gold,
And no one there for you to hold,
In reality things are never what they seem
Just a hall of faded and broken dreams.

Ps. I hope your day presents you with at least a smile of something to sleep on tonight.