And another one comes...

“WORDS” What a powerfull way to communicate, with no malice, no pressure, no pre judgement just thought provoking sentences that can affect a state of mind and take you far from the place of pain, confusion and horror that confronts. I can lose myself in places like that, thank you for that. Its is a crazy thing that my downfall is about money when the important things, family have been slowly eradicated from there rightfull place. I have been quite nomadic in my life and am not materialistic. My family is the only thing worth anything to me but i have reached a selfish point of no return, it seems all i can focus on is the darkness. I have lost faith in everything, i have exhausted my options for help and have tried the roads you mention to no availe. Why cant i get a break from somewhere. You know a crazy thing i heard on the radio today, a football player whos name i forget is paid the same ammount a week as my mortgage. I would have the rest of my working life to look forward to to pay the same ammount back if i were inclined to not follow the path i am thinking of taking. Guilt, i carry like a burden everyday. I look at my youngest son and feel my eyes welling up, what will his future be like if i stay, what if i go.I feel strong and weak at the same time. I know friends who had church friends, christians who answered there prayers when they needed financial help. All i feel is jealousy for both the kind act and there faith and belief. I feel like i am drifting at the moment. Charity is hard to find.

My Response:

I woke up this morning wondering, and as I go to bed tonight- I am a little relieved, we live worlds apart, you are sleeping, and I am thinking of drifting to sleep shortly, believe me you will be on my mind. Guilt is equivalent to grief,it creates a pain that overcomes our whole life, it is all we are consumed with,until we let it take over, and only then when we have reached the darkest moments are we able to lift our head and begin to move forward. You are drifting,yes possibly, but you are also slowly swimming against the current that is taking you away, and tonight as i go to bed, i believe that all I can do for you is pray. Believe me when I say this, tonight while your sleeping, peacefully or not, I will be praying for you and your wife and your kids. And know that in a country many miles from yours there is a person, but a grain of sand in a sand box, who cares deeply enough to spend her night before she sleeps opening her heart up to the lord to ask you to help heal. And if my words are of any comfort to you, then the best that I can do is to keep sharing them…so here again are thought of mine from a previous moment in my life that I will open up and share for you, because I do not deserve to know your pain, and your hurt, yet you are willing to share, so I too will do the same…
And I will hope that tomorrow we will meet again.

A New Life

I sit here thinking of how my life is changing.

Different times,
Different places,
Different memories.
Different faces.

And I wonder, where this new life is going to go,
What direction do I take,
What road will lead me home.
In this dizzy, in this commotion,
Where is the constant

Always changing
Always flowing
Never stopping
Always going.

When does it end, when will I know,
In what moment will it come to me,
That I can do it on my own.

Such Despair
Such Disgrace
Such loneliness
No one here to take my place

So in this life I will continue to go
In this life I will continue to grow
In this life I will continue to live
In this life I will continue to give

I will laugh
I will cry
I will love
I will try