And another one comes...

“WORDS” What a powerfull way to communicate, with no malice, no pressure, no pre judgement just thought provoking sentences that can affect a state of mind and take you far from the place of pain, confusion and horror that confronts. I can lose myself in places like that, thank you for that. Its is a crazy thing that my downfall is about money when the important things, family have been slowly eradicated from there rightfull place. I have been quite nomadic in my life and am not materialistic. My family is the only thing worth anything to me but i have reached a selfish point of no return, it seems all i can focus on is the darkness. I have lost faith in everything, i have exhausted my options for help and have tried the roads you mention to no availe. Why cant i get a break from somewhere. You know a crazy thing i heard on the radio today, a football player whos name i forget is paid the same ammount a week as my mortgage. I would have the rest of my working life to look forward to to pay the same ammount back if i were inclined to not follow the path i am thinking of taking. Guilt, i carry like a burden everyday. I look at my youngest son and feel my eyes welling up, what will his future be like if i stay, what if i go.I feel strong and weak at the same time. I know friends who had church friends, christians who answered there prayers when they needed financial help. All i feel is jealousy for both the kind act and there faith and belief. I feel like i am drifting at the moment. Charity is hard to find.

My Response:

I woke up this morning wondering, and as I go to bed tonight- I am a little relieved, we live worlds apart, you are sleeping, and I am thinking of drifting to sleep shortly, believe me you will be on my mind. Guilt is equivalent to grief,it creates a pain that overcomes our whole life, it is all we are consumed with,until we let it take over, and only then when we have reached the darkest moments are we able to lift our head and begin to move forward. You are drifting,yes possibly, but you are also slowly swimming against the current that is taking you away, and tonight as i go to bed, i believe that all I can do for you is pray. Believe me when I say this, tonight while your sleeping, peacefully or not, I will be praying for you and your wife and your kids. And know that in a country many miles from yours there is a person, but a grain of sand in a sand box, who cares deeply enough to spend her night before she sleeps opening her heart up to the lord to ask you to help heal. And if my words are of any comfort to you, then the best that I can do is to keep sharing them…so here again are thought of mine from a previous moment in my life that I will open up and share for you, because I do not deserve to know your pain, and your hurt, yet you are willing to share, so I too will do the same…
And I will hope that tomorrow we will meet again.

A New Life

I sit here thinking of how my life is changing.

Different times,
Different places,
Different memories.
Different faces.

And I wonder, where this new life is going to go,
What direction do I take,
What road will lead me home.
In this dizzy, in this commotion,
Where is the constant

Always changing
Always flowing
Never stopping
Always going.

When does it end, when will I know,
In what moment will it come to me,
That I can do it on my own.

Such Despair
Such Disgrace
Such loneliness
No one here to take my place

So in this life I will continue to go
In this life I will continue to grow
In this life I will continue to live
In this life I will continue to give

I will laugh
I will cry
I will love
I will try

I received another comment from Chris today...

How?, Today is my birthday. I feel drained, stretched to the point of snapping. There was a brief moment earlier i thought i was about to go over the edge, i could feel the panic and turmoil inside surge into my head and i really thought i was going to lose it. Why is the root of my problem about money, i work for a living, claim only the help i am allowed and still am sinking in the human soup pot. I feel i have been a bad role model for my boys and know there has been a price paid for the slow destruction of my home life, i carry this guilt like a lump in my throat. I feel i could easily fall apart if i think about what i feel i have done to my sons lives. Fortunatly they have been hidden from the real position im in but thats about to change as the reality of my life is about to shape there future. Help me how, i am not stupid in the sense that i think talking is going to affect my situation, it will at best relieve the pressure for as long as it takes me to glance at the cresent moon in the sky or for as long as it takes me to cry when everyone else is sleeping. The cold reality soon pokes me in the stomach, brings back the sick feeling of failure and guides my mind to make the hard choice for what i suppose is the selfish need to escape. I in a twisted way am enjoying this chance to let you have a part of me in this mail, it feels comforting to me all though i cant say why.

My Response:

I’m sorry its your birthday, and that your at the point where you want to snap. I truly believe everything happens for a reason, and that there is a reason you are here, and that our life events make us stronger as a person to handle the things we need to take care of. I know your life is bad right now. I have been there, I have struggled to make my family have the best situation possible, and I have robbed peter to pay paul. Let me ask you this, did you raise your children to believe that material things are what matter. Do you want to be there for your sons when they need their dad in their lives, who will teach them to fish, or golf, or baseball, or who will teach them to drive their first car. Who will show them how to be a man? I just thought i would let you take a moment to think of what would happen if you leave your family, and 2 or 3 years down the road your wife is in a situation where she needs you most. What if one of your children is really really sick, who will carry her to keep her strong-when she needs you most. You are not perfect, you are expected to make mistakes but how can your wife be your wife and support you if you wont open up to her and let her know whats going on. There are many place that will help you financially, credit counseling that is non profit, non profit agencies, christian charities. There are always other options. How much do you need? Maybe I can help you.
I just want to leave you with something that I wrote to think about…

YOU

Every night when I’m lying here in bed
I think of memories I want to share with you
And million thoughts run through my head.
You.

You were the first man in my life,
The one I prayed for every night.
And tonight I’m thinking of…
You

And I hope that you’re thinking of me to.
And I want you to know that I do pray for you every single day
For your safety, for your hurt, for your guidance
I pray…

Because I love you,
and it doesn’t matter that we’ve never met,
I love you,
That’s the feelings that I always get,
I love you.
You

You’re the reason why I carry on,
You’re the reason why I lift my head,
When my days and nights seem forever long
You.

You are the reason why I stay so strong
You.

And one of these days when I least expect to see your face,
One of theses days,
God will point me in your way
And finally after searching for many years
all the worry, and all the fear,
Will suddenly just disappear,

Gone,
But not you…
You will always be here by my side,
Holding my hand,
My heart,
Making me feel alive.

It is You…
You were the first man in my heart,
The one I prayed for every night.
While I was laying there in the dark,

random acts of words gone unspoken

I ran across this post the other day about a man who was not happy with his life, he was young and full of hate for people, mainly complaining about how bad his life was because he was not able to be the person he wanted to be because of his parents. And coming out of the closet was too much of a problem, so much of a problem that he would rather kill him self. I was amazed at how much one person's values can create such an emptiness in a person that makes them so mean. My morals and values are at such a different level then his were. And I couldn't possibly think of doing something so horrific when its something that seems so trivial in the first place. Yet maybe it wasn't trivial to him, He is a different person, but his words brought me to what I really wanted to discuss in the first place. Chris. It was his reply to this mans post that struck me in such an obscure way, yet it pulled at my heart strings in so many directions... since then we have been talking back and forth and I will share these with you I'll post one every few days or so...Im not sure if I will even have any form of impact on this mans life, but I'm a fool to not try.

(his response to that mans post)

now ive read your miserable story you should stop feeling sorry for yourself you brainless ponse. try struggling with a family of your own when you have more outgoing than incoming. how do i tell my boys i cant buy them a 20p treat from the shop cause i have no money or buying everything second hand and telling them its allright, no one will know. real life not confused ramblings of someone without the courage to face up to making a simple life choice, ye you have a choice so make it. i owe 147,000 mortgage and going under fast, what shall i tell my partner and sons 14, 11 and 5. pre occupied with fear of nasty people nocking on my door, scared about school bills i cant pay, electric bill i cant pay, no chance of help i feel i have let my family down and i would do them justice if i killed myself. what a way to live what a daily existance i have. i hate life as i made the choices that put my family in this position and i dont think i can go on much longer. i have dark dark secrets in my closet but dont blame how my life is now on them. get over it and move on and be thankfull you are just ******** about feeling **** and really you are not in a real life of **** like me, if you were you would have to face up to the reality that you have the power to shape your destiny not wait for it to mould how you dream it should be. make your choice and have the guts to stick to your choices. for me, better off dead is my option. selfish? maybey but i have exhausted my options so am **** out of luck. have a nice life and allways remember when you feel angry, there are 3 sons somewhere with no dad because life is **** and then you die. my reality, bye.

(my response to his)

chris-i would like to help you, please don’t do anything drastic, your boys would rather be poor and living in a one room home then not have you in your life. And how do you think leaving is going to make this situation better. Let me help you-please.s