lost with words...

I do not feel able to articulate myself at the moment, today has been a bad day for reasons i shall not burden you with. Some of what you have said has made me feel insignificant in that allthough you hold my soul as the part of me to pray for i feel yes i will free my soul from this weak minded body but it is the weak minded body that is feeling the lonley and guilt paved road its taking. My soul should burn in hell for what i am contemplating. I am strugling to make any sense at the moment. They removed your e-mail address. I perhaps might take comfort from talking some more, i just dont really know. I am deeply confused with the direction i should take and it disturbs me daily when i am screaming inside to be seen, to be heard but i stand silent allmost crying on the inside to hide the shame i feel. I want to talk, i want the comfort of friendship that seems to have deserted me, is it me pushing all these things away?, i am a simple person why am i suffering this turmoil. I have said i have skeletons in my closet, is this perhaps my kama. It is perhaps strange but it is the quiet moments that are the worst, for those are the times that the reality takes over and the full horror of the situation i am facing takes hold. I am not scared, i feel very peacefull with my thoughts about stepping off this plane of existance. As for method, i will not make any public statement to cause further distress to my family. Quietly and peacefully in a place where i know there is love for me. You may think i am a freak or lowlife idiot. I am not either i am just a normal guy with a family who has lost the will to struggle on, its that simple. All the fight has been beaten out of me and i just cant pick up any energy from anywhere. Simple solution to my problem, but thats the stuff of fairytales or as normal it is the people who deserve and need it least that come out on top time and time again. Aint life grand.
chris

My Response:


Of course they would remove my email! It seems so silly of me to think they would not. I wonder if their system would remove it if it was typed out in a different way. stacigodsey at yahoo dot com. He he, lets try that one. So your day has been difficult. Why would you feel the need to not burden me with that. You are no burden to me, you might be wondering why I care to talk to you. It may not seem practical to you, but its who I am. Let me explain…how did my path cross with yours, someone so far away from me, living in a different world. I was not looking for you, I was not looking to “help” if you want to call it that. I was searching ideas for selling stuff for my new business,and I ran across that idiotic blurb of what this man thought was the end of his world…and I was intrigued, I was astonished at how one world can be so different and people can hold different values at such a high, yet similar level. Then I read your post, and I can relate to you, and I thought maybe we are not as far from values as I though we were. Two worlds so far apart, struggling with the same life matters, although I’m not at a point where I want to end my life, I have been in moments where nothing seemed to matter enough to stay where I was…but I didn’t run, somewhere along the lines I found the courage to work it out. I have always believed that people come in and out of our lives for reasons, many reasons that we don’t know or understand, and that everything happens for a reason, you and I somehow our paths have crossed. Why, I can not answer that, am I curious, very. Is this why I continue to talk to you, partly-but again like I said thats who I am. I look for answers in things, and try to understand them. I believe there is a reason for everything, and whether you believe this or not, right now, you are a part of something, and I’m glad to have found you. I will never think of you as a low life, my respect for you was high the moment I read your letter. You to me are amazing, for the simple fact that you are trying so hard to be strong for your family, and yet your hurting so bad inside, and walking this alone for fear of letting anyone down. You are not selfish, you have a heart that is hurting and alone. Maybe you feel like you can talk to me because you do not know me, you have not met me, in your words alone over the last few day I can tell you I know more about you then you think, and I am right, you are a wonderful man who deserves to be happy with his life, and I would love to be your friend, and I will not let you push me away, no matter how hard you try :)
I want to share this with you, its about 5 years old, when I wrote it I was in so much pain, you will probably understand that, I feel that between our letters you and I can understand so much more then what is written. My outlook on things are a little different now, but maybe it will give you a sense that I too have felt the pain of being alone, and I know the hurt that is associated with that.

She walks the halls of broken dreams
In reality things are never what they seem
In the real world, people don’t stay together,
In the real world we don’t always have sunny weather.

In reality there is no happy ever after
There is no family full of love and laughter
There is no wishing on falling stars
Or driving really expensive cars

In the real world there is no one there
Not a single soul who really cares
No one there to put the food in your cart
No on there to feed your heart

In this world so harsh and cruel
we become each others fuel.
We learn to live off of pain and sorrow,
And what ever will get us through till tomorrow.

In life you learn to make it on your own
The holes are easily left unsown
There is nobody there to ease your pain
There is nobody there to take the strain

The dishes never really get clean
and no one is there to hear your screams
There is no one there for you to cry on their shoulder
And there is no on there who will lift the boulder.

In the real world dreams really do slip away
And prince charming usually decides not to stay
And the life you thought you’d like to live
Is not the life he chose to give.

In this reality there is no pot of gold,
And no one there for you to hold,
In reality things are never what they seem
Just a hall of faded and broken dreams.

Ps. I hope your day presents you with at least a smile of something to sleep on tonight.

More response from a heart that is hurting..

So far but at the same time standing right next to one another. Please pray for a cause that can bring you satisfaction, not for me as i will only dissapoint. I have been going through my story, its been a journey but every tale has an end. Some straight forward some not so. I have no reason to feel like a coward but will understand if it seems that way. When darkness is suffocating, enveloping making it seem that your looking at life from a tunnel then nothing seems to make sense. I am more than aware what i am about to do will have a devastating effect on the people close to me but feel comforted in the knowledge that there are people who will come together in a way that would never be possible otherwise. I have no fear within myself and feel a sad comfort in the knowledge my story will soon be just that. Rememberd in tales of good times to those who hold such thoughts dear, may even give more of a comfort to them than i can in life. I am tired of my life and know there is no chance of relief. I feel so emotionaly drained, but have become an expert at diverting the focus of my darkness from others. I am living a lie, going through the motions when i can see that the train is about to come off the rails. I appologise to you, i mean that more than these words can say. I have put my burden in words that you have read, i feel i should not have done that to you. You said you think i was here for for a reason, our paths crossed for a purpose. I feel i have made another mistake. I had no right to trouble you. Please dont worry for me, you never know, i might get a last minuite reprive. No more verse to ponder, i feel my time is coming to check out. Again i feel calm in the knowledge that my journey is coming to an end, i have almost conceeded the fact of even trying to beg for help as i feel the disgusting obscene greed of people blinds them to the plight of others and the caring society is a value no longer valid today. My name is Chris, thank you for your time and thank you for the fact you took the time to even talk to me. One last thing, you may be insulted by this but do you know of any charity where you are that would help a family in another country. It is a strange concept but we are supposed to live in hope.

My Response:
Are you scared? I am scared for you, have you thought about the process, do you know what method your going to use? Have you visualized the days that will follow with your family? By doing this is it going to relieve your wife of the stress of the bills that you have incurred? It not my business, and you have no reason to tell me, but I am curious? In the united states there are many agencies here that help, I will have to do some checking about helping other countries. Kiva-loans that change lives, I belong to that group, check it out and see if its even an option for you, I’m not sure that it is. Don’t apologize to me, there’s not a reason to, I am but just one person who is walking this life with you. You hold no value to me, I’m not going to morn when you die, I’m not going to cry…you my dear are out of my control. Besides,its not your body that I’m praying for, its your soul-which lives on forever, and your family, who will need the prayers before they even know it. One day, but not in this life time we will meet, that I am sure of, and when I reach out to hold your hand, you will know who I am.
Would you share with me what your world is like? What is your wife like, how old is she, how old are you? What kind of hearts do your children have. Is the place that you live in beautiful? Are you by the ocean? I live in the middle of the US. Surrounded by fields of corn, and small trees. Its quiet here, and I love the country-it brings me peace. My children are my life, I live for their laughter, I have a daughter and a son. Nine and four. I don’t mind talking to you, and if you like I would continue to do so until you no longer wish. My emial is --------------, and by now you have probably figured my name is Staci.